For those who have been wondering....

Pain in the dictionary is: localized physical suffering associated with bodily disorder (as a disease or an injury).
I know that pain the dictionary is talking about, it's the kind of pain I felt when I busted my lip on the fireplace when I was little, or when I broke my nose last Labor Day in a tubing accident. But there is another kind of pain or maybe it's not even considered pain but more like heartbreak. Heartbreak in the dictionary is crushing grief, anguish, or distress. This sounds more like the pain I have been enduring.
Everytime I think about the last 6 months I think I'm too young to have this much heartbreak and how many times can your heart break before it's unmendable. I've had my heart broken 3 times in my life. When my grandma died in 2006 I thought I would never get over it. I had never known anyone to die and my grandma was like a second mom to me and I couldn't believe this could happen. Well as time passed I realized it was part of life and I was so lucky to have had such a wonderful person to teach me and love me and I couldn't let that go to waste. I finally found the courage to let go and move on.
I didn't think I would feel heartbreak for a long time after that, but in October of 2009 my world came crashing down again. I received a phone call late at night saying that my little sister had passed away. I was in complete shock. We drove straight to the hospital and sitting there looking at my sister was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Her skin was so cold and yet she looked so beautiful and peaceful laying there. But once again my heart was broken. I mean it physically hurt so much to think about her not being here anymore. I had trouble breathing and sleeping at night because I was in so much pain. I really thought this time that I would never be able to move on. Though I was wrong again. I didn't necessarily get over it, but I was able to be at peace with her being gone. I know she is with me everywhere I go and she always will be. Yet again my heart had been broken, but it did mend with time.
Then bam it happened again out of nowhere this summer. I found out I was pregnant in March and was so excited! I did everything the doctors told me to and everything was perfect. Then I hit 19 weeks and 6 days and everything turned for the worst. The poor baby had Trisomy 13 and slipped away from me. I was and still am devasted. I know I never got to meet this baby, but I had already bonded and fallen in love. I didn't think it would be that hard to let go because I never got to hold the baby but I was wrong. My heart has been so broken. I've spent my summer wondering why this happened to me and how life is not fair and I've come to realize that life is not supposed to be fair. Life is supposed to be a journey of happiness, sadness, and everything in between. My heart is slowly starting to hurt less, but I know I will never be able to forget about that little baby I carried for 20 weeks. I also know that God has a reason for everything and he won't give me anything I can't handle. I just have to find the courage to let go and let God guide me in the right direction. Your heart is much stronger than you think and it mends with prayer and support!
WOW...I didn't realize I had that much to say. I didn't write this to get sympathy from anyone, but several people have been asking me how I've been dealing with the summer heat while being pregnant. Instead of having to e-mail, text, or call every person I know that I'm no longer pregnant, I thought this was the easiest and honest way to let everyone know. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me because I know this happens quite often. Though when it happens to you it feels like it's the end of the world. I didn't want to say anything at all but because everyone knew I was pregnant and halfway along I felt like I finally had to give people the answers to all of the questions I've been getting.
I am doing much better and am defintely not discouraged about having children. I want 4 children, yes I said 4!!!! And whether it be from my body or from adoption I will get those four children. I know I'm meant to be a mom- lucky for me I'm already a mom to 22 amazing children each year! For now, I will once again give my heart and soul to those children in August and pray that things work out differently the next time. Thank you to all who have supported and prayed for me. I am so blessed to have you all in my life and am so thankful that I am healthy, fit and happy and I know that one day God will give me another chance!!!

Book #8

I love reading Emily Giffin, but I wasn't too impressed with the book "heart of the matter." This book was pretty slow and somewhat predictable. It is about two women whose paths cross unexpectedly and it leads to basically drama. But I finished it anyway!



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American Idol concert!

So last night I accomplished number 16 on my list: attend a concert!
I had so much fun at the American Idol concert. All of the idols did so well with their performances. Stefano did probably the best! I wasn't a big fan of the winner, Scotty, during the show but at the concert he won me over. He is such a cutie and really is a great singer! I also enjoyed Miss Lauren Alaina. Overall the concert was great and I enjoyed it with some great gals!


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It's the little things

So anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge GLEE fan! I would give anything to go to one of their concerts if they ever decide to come to Texas. If I my husband and I didn't make such a large purchase this year like a house, then I would be at the New York concert in a minute. But for now I will have to wait. But much to my surprise I did find a little somethings today during my spare time.

I have finally started on my wedding scrapbook and while I was picking up some photos at Walgreens I stumbled onto an aisle with GLEE themed items. This basically made my day. I purchased two GLEE notepads, a GLEE mini dry-erase for my fridge and GLEE magnets. They were all $1 a peice. I know I'm on a budget, but I just had to have these items for my fridge. I was so excited about I put them up immediately when I got home.

I still never found out who gave me the Rocky Horrors GLEE shirt last year. Whoever you are I wear that shirt all the time and I thank you!!

I've decided that when I get my next pay check I'm going to order the cool GLEE shirts!!

Until the season starts back up, I'm hooked on the GLEE project. If you have not seen it, the show comes on at 8 on Sunday's. It is basically a competition for a spot on the show. I have three favorites and I am pretty positive one of them will win!

If anyone knows of anywhere to purchase GLEE attire besides their website, please let me know!

The Hunger Games

After reading the first book of the Hunger Games, I simply could not wait to read the next one. While in Hondo for the weekend, I finished the second book called "Catching Fire." I am still not sure what drew me into this book. I think it was the love story twist and how the characters kept fighting even though they were in so much pain. I really didn't want to relate this to my life, but it just kind of happened. Sometimes life is so painful and there is nothing you can do about it but move on and keep fighting. After every chapter I kept thinking about the hardships we face everyday and how with the support of everyone around us we are able to some how move and pick back up where we started from. Just thinking about it brings me to tears.

Luckily my brother-in-law also reads these books and had the third one for me when I finished it ("Mockingjay"). I began reading it this morning and finished the entire thing on the car ride back home from Hondo. My wonderful husband offered to drive the whole way home because he knew I wasn't going to be able to put this book down. I don't want to say to much in case someone has not read the book and wants to read it, but it's just funny how sometimes things on our journey surprise you and you weren't expecting them at all. These books have so many messages. I know that many people were not happy with the way these books ended, but I really enjoyed reading them and am content with the ending!

So now that books 6 and 7 are finished I'm onto something that I hope will have much happier tone and won't make me cry :)

I'm feeling hot...hot..hot

I would think that after living in Texas for 25 and 1/2 years I would be used to the Texas heat, but clearly I'm still not a fan.

I have either eaten too much sodium, retaining too much water, or it's too damn hot outside because my fingers won't stop swelling. And there is no way it can be from eating too much because I have been eating pretty healthy and working out like crazy. All my clothes fit again now thank goodness, so I lost a little bit of weight!! But my darn fingers won't stop swelling. I haven't been able to wear my wedding ring for a week because my fingers are so swollen for swelling. I'm going to blame it on the heat because it was unbearable today. Even in the swimming pool its hot. The water is not cooling off.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Texas, but when my phone reads 103 for ten days I think it's too hot. But I am grateful that my air conditioning has not gone out like several people that I know. So if anyone needs somewhere to stay, our guest bedroom is now finished!!!

My poor puppies don't like the heat very much either. I have never seen them this lazy. They go outside for five minutes and then they come in and take like a 30 minute nap.

So today I'm praying for rain and that my a/c doesn't go out!

Book #s 4 and 5

I have got to start reading some more books. I only have 6 months left to finish my book list! I just recently finished two books that I enjoyed very much. Book number 4 is ironically called I am Number Four. This book is about a boy, who is alien. He was sent to our planet to survive. I am quite the sci-fi nerd so this book was right up my alley. If you enjoy books with action and a little bit of love included you will enjoy this book!

Book #5 is The Hunger Games. I have had so many friends tell me that I should read this book, so I finally jumped on the bandwagon. I don't like the concept of this book, but I did have trouble putting it down. I just have to keep reminding myself that it isn't real and I pray those kinds of things never happen in our society. My next book will probably be the sequel to this book!