For those who have been wondering....

Pain in the dictionary is: localized physical suffering associated with bodily disorder (as a disease or an injury).
I know that pain the dictionary is talking about, it's the kind of pain I felt when I busted my lip on the fireplace when I was little, or when I broke my nose last Labor Day in a tubing accident. But there is another kind of pain or maybe it's not even considered pain but more like heartbreak. Heartbreak in the dictionary is crushing grief, anguish, or distress. This sounds more like the pain I have been enduring.
Everytime I think about the last 6 months I think I'm too young to have this much heartbreak and how many times can your heart break before it's unmendable. I've had my heart broken 3 times in my life. When my grandma died in 2006 I thought I would never get over it. I had never known anyone to die and my grandma was like a second mom to me and I couldn't believe this could happen. Well as time passed I realized it was part of life and I was so lucky to have had such a wonderful person to teach me and love me and I couldn't let that go to waste. I finally found the courage to let go and move on.
I didn't think I would feel heartbreak for a long time after that, but in October of 2009 my world came crashing down again. I received a phone call late at night saying that my little sister had passed away. I was in complete shock. We drove straight to the hospital and sitting there looking at my sister was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Her skin was so cold and yet she looked so beautiful and peaceful laying there. But once again my heart was broken. I mean it physically hurt so much to think about her not being here anymore. I had trouble breathing and sleeping at night because I was in so much pain. I really thought this time that I would never be able to move on. Though I was wrong again. I didn't necessarily get over it, but I was able to be at peace with her being gone. I know she is with me everywhere I go and she always will be. Yet again my heart had been broken, but it did mend with time.
Then bam it happened again out of nowhere this summer. I found out I was pregnant in March and was so excited! I did everything the doctors told me to and everything was perfect. Then I hit 19 weeks and 6 days and everything turned for the worst. The poor baby had Trisomy 13 and slipped away from me. I was and still am devasted. I know I never got to meet this baby, but I had already bonded and fallen in love. I didn't think it would be that hard to let go because I never got to hold the baby but I was wrong. My heart has been so broken. I've spent my summer wondering why this happened to me and how life is not fair and I've come to realize that life is not supposed to be fair. Life is supposed to be a journey of happiness, sadness, and everything in between. My heart is slowly starting to hurt less, but I know I will never be able to forget about that little baby I carried for 20 weeks. I also know that God has a reason for everything and he won't give me anything I can't handle. I just have to find the courage to let go and let God guide me in the right direction. Your heart is much stronger than you think and it mends with prayer and support!
WOW...I didn't realize I had that much to say. I didn't write this to get sympathy from anyone, but several people have been asking me how I've been dealing with the summer heat while being pregnant. Instead of having to e-mail, text, or call every person I know that I'm no longer pregnant, I thought this was the easiest and honest way to let everyone know. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me because I know this happens quite often. Though when it happens to you it feels like it's the end of the world. I didn't want to say anything at all but because everyone knew I was pregnant and halfway along I felt like I finally had to give people the answers to all of the questions I've been getting.
I am doing much better and am defintely not discouraged about having children. I want 4 children, yes I said 4!!!! And whether it be from my body or from adoption I will get those four children. I know I'm meant to be a mom- lucky for me I'm already a mom to 22 amazing children each year! For now, I will once again give my heart and soul to those children in August and pray that things work out differently the next time. Thank you to all who have supported and prayed for me. I am so blessed to have you all in my life and am so thankful that I am healthy, fit and happy and I know that one day God will give me another chance!!!